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Revelations or Overreactions?

So, lately, i've been thinking a lot (dangerous, i know lol) and i've started to scare myself in all honesty. 
I've got myself considering all sorts of craziness, but then again, what if it isn't just craziness? What if I'm right? Ahhhh!

The thing that scares me the most is that I'm just not good enough for my wonderful boyfriend. He's amazing and i've done nothing at all to deserve him, so why have I got him? I wish i knew. All i know is I'm really lucky...the suspicious thing is, I'm never ever lucky...so that means I'm eventually going to lose him :( I have this feeling that (although he's nothing like the guys I've been out with before) he'll eventually do what the others did; open his eyes, say "What the hell was i thinking!?" and then up and leave me for someone short, thin, pretty and big boobed with eyebrows that match their hair colour and a smile that could melt hearts of ice. (So the exact opposite of me basically). And to be fair, what guy wouldn't want that? 
So now it's just a case of preparing myself for when, not if. 
Then again, he might prove me completely and utterly wrong, in which case i'll be one happy over-analytical idiot.

The same goes for my friends, I really can't understand why they bother with me anymore - I hardly go out with them nowadays but yet they haven't deserted me yet. To be honest, losing them would really take the biscuit. I'd seriously go insane.

Another scary thought i've been having a lot lately is that my entire life's a dream and I'm going to wake up in my bed a year ago, fat, unhappy and hating being alive. Now, that would be horrific! Although I'm not the most confident of people now, I'd never ever want to be like i was last year. Even the year itself isn't one I'd want to re-live...in fact, it's probably the one year I'd hate to have to do over.

Also, nothing feels real to me lately, it's like nothing actually sinks in anymore. I think I'm subconsciously keeping myself emotionally numb, so if one or more of my above theories actually happens, the blow will be softened ever so slightly. I've made the mistake before of getting too emotional and attached, and when the things I'm attached to get snatched away, it rips a part of me away with it, a part of me I'll never get back. So I guess I'm just trying to avoid that happening yet again.
I'm not sure how much of me I have left to lose.

I keep asking myself the question, are you being realistic and rational, or just pessimistic and reading too deeply into things?
To tell the truth, I have no idea whatsoever :( And it's driving me mad. 


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Neetish Mutty
Apr. 28th, 2012 11:03 am (UTC)
u r too cute for somebody to stop loving u! remember that!
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )



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