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I migrated to Tumblr.

 sarahsaysrawrrrrrr.tumblr.com
:D
A word of advice; don’t cry with liquid eyeliner on - it hurts.

While we’re on the subject of pain, ARGH! A Deep Vein Thrombosis is actually more painful than it sounds, and that’s saying something :| I can’t walk right and won’t be able to for 6 months to a year, i’m on these massive pills which I have to take 10 of a day, my painkillers taste like ear wax, my mum has to give me an injection to thin my blood every day in my tummy of all places and there’s a massive chance of me doing all this for nothing and dying anyway.

So hoorah…The only positive thing is that they’ve given me a free toxic waste bin for all the syringes. :/

I must admit, there’s no way i’d be able to make it through without some wonderful people who deserve a mention.

Gemma & Shanaz: My two bestest friends, I love how my phone’s resembled a vibrator over the past couple of days with you two texting and asking me how I am and telling me it’ll all be okay, especially when I feel like it’s the end of the world for me. Now I know why you’re my best friends.

Jake: I can’t even begin to describe how much better I feel around you. Your hugs save my life each and every time. You’re amazing - nuff said.

Charlotte: For being the only person to give me a Get Well Soon card, and a home made one, which brought a tear to my eye. :’)

Mummykins: My rock basically. I know this entire thing’s talking it’s toll on her as much as me, she’s just dealing with it way better than I ever could and there’s no way on this earth I could get through this without her.

“That blood clot will get fed up of you and it’ll fuck off.” Gotta love my mum’s humour…not to mention her optimism.

Anyway, drowsy from the medication. Peace Out. xoxo

When Faced With Two Choices, Toss A Coin.

It works not because it settles the question for you...
but because for that brief moment when the coin is in the air...
you suddenly know what you’re hoping for.

It's me, not you.

It's me you threw away.
It's me you tried to play.
It's you who thought i was oblivious.

I hope she makes you miserable, and hurts you more than you hurt me.
I was swept head over heels, unable to see.
It was her you wanted all along.
I thought you were different, damn, i was wrong.

Letting go is so much easier when you don't have a choice.
I can't bear to look at you or even hear your voice.
Every day that passes seems to get longer.
Every minute without you i get stronger.

I'm tired of excuses, i'm giving up the fight.
When your heart goes numb you can never be 'alright'.
I've got nothing to lose now you're out of my life.
I'll be fine, just leave me without this strife.

I'd rather cross this bridge alone than have you by my side.
I won't look back, at least i can say i tried.
I'm sorry i can't be what you want me to be.
But i'm not willing to be anyone other than me.

So go ahead and forget me; push me to the back of your mind.
Just don't forget everything we've left behind.
I hope it pierces like a bullet to the heart.
I want the sky to fall in on you and tear you apart.

So as i sit and wonder where we went wrong.
I realize it was me, not you, all along.
It's my fault i'm not good enough.
And it's me who saw through your bluff.

It's me who walked out of that door.
It's me who couldn't stand it anymore.
It's you who never gave us a chance.

For A Pessimist Im Pretty Optimistic.

A few months ago i said; "The thing that scares me the most is that I'm just not good enough for my wonderful boyfriend. He's amazing and i've done nothing at all to deserve him, so why have I got him? I wish i knew. All i know is I'm really lucky...the suspicious thing is, I'm never ever lucky...so that means I'm eventually going to lose him :( I have this feeling that (although he's nothing like the guys I've been out with before) he'll eventually do what the others did; open his eyes, say "What the hell was i thinking!?" and then up and leave me for someone short, thin, pretty and big boobed with eyebrows that match their hair colour and a smile that could melt hearts of ice. (So the exact opposite of me basically)."
I have one thing to say; trust your gut. I knew it would happen, and it totally did. Trust nobody but yourself. Expect the worst and you'll soften the blow. Hoorah for pessimism.
xxx
I refuse to dance to your beat, now i'm able to create my own.
Able to escape and run, far away from all i've known.
I'm not that little girl I used to be, she never did exist.
You assumed she was there, hidden within the mist. 
How shocked I was to find that you were wrong.
The woman I am today was hidden there all along. 
 As it's "Stress, Anxiety, Depression, Don't Binge Drink, Get Arrested Or Get Pregnant" Week at college I thought i'd pick up a couple of leaflets to see if there's an actual possible way to sort my head out which, as i suspected, proved to be inconclusive. 
You should see some of the complete and utter garbage they think are effective ways of getting rid of stress and anxiety. Whoever wrote those leaflets obviously wasn't (or has forgotten) what it's like to be a student and to have a life. I mean, come on, as if clenching every muscle in my body for 10 minutes or taking a deep breath with my hand on my stomach or writing a Thought Journal will make all, if any, of my problems go away!!!?
One point I found really ironic was number five; Get Sleep.
AHEM, chances are, if you're a teenager who has contact with the world outside their bedroom, and is doing a-levels too, finding the time to sleep is harder than most might think.
Then the last point was "Think about your thoughts". PAH! That's turned out to be a vicious circle! My thoughts are centered around how my life is a total mess and how I have no idea where i'm heading. How can thinking about that do any good at all? It just generates more and more of the same thoughts! Therefore, defatting the objective and making me more stressed out than I was when I picked up the freaking leaflet!

I expect to get spots and for my hair to start falling out soon. :/ xx

Revelations or Overreactions?

So, lately, i've been thinking a lot (dangerous, i know lol) and i've started to scare myself in all honesty. 
I've got myself considering all sorts of craziness, but then again, what if it isn't just craziness? What if I'm right? Ahhhh!


The thing that scares me the most is that I'm just not good enough for my wonderful boyfriend. He's amazing and i've done nothing at all to deserve him, so why have I got him? I wish i knew. All i know is I'm really lucky...the suspicious thing is, I'm never ever lucky...so that means I'm eventually going to lose him :( I have this feeling that (although he's nothing like the guys I've been out with before) he'll eventually do what the others did; open his eyes, say "What the hell was i thinking!?" and then up and leave me for someone short, thin, pretty and big boobed with eyebrows that match their hair colour and a smile that could melt hearts of ice. (So the exact opposite of me basically). And to be fair, what guy wouldn't want that? 
So now it's just a case of preparing myself for when, not if. 
Then again, he might prove me completely and utterly wrong, in which case i'll be one happy over-analytical idiot.

The same goes for my friends, I really can't understand why they bother with me anymore - I hardly go out with them nowadays but yet they haven't deserted me yet. To be honest, losing them would really take the biscuit. I'd seriously go insane.

Another scary thought i've been having a lot lately is that my entire life's a dream and I'm going to wake up in my bed a year ago, fat, unhappy and hating being alive. Now, that would be horrific! Although I'm not the most confident of people now, I'd never ever want to be like i was last year. Even the year itself isn't one I'd want to re-live...in fact, it's probably the one year I'd hate to have to do over.

Also, nothing feels real to me lately, it's like nothing actually sinks in anymore. I think I'm subconsciously keeping myself emotionally numb, so if one or more of my above theories actually happens, the blow will be softened ever so slightly. I've made the mistake before of getting too emotional and attached, and when the things I'm attached to get snatched away, it rips a part of me away with it, a part of me I'll never get back. So I guess I'm just trying to avoid that happening yet again.
I'm not sure how much of me I have left to lose.

I keep asking myself the question, are you being realistic and rational, or just pessimistic and reading too deeply into things?
To tell the truth, I have no idea whatsoever :( And it's driving me mad. 

Thought Of The Day!

 If I ran away....
- The people who wouldn't notice are the people I don't need in my life.
- The people who would miss me are the ones who I could always run back to.
- And the people who would chase after me are the ones I should never let go of.

Nicest Thing :'(


All I know is that you're so nice,
You're the nicest thing I've seen.
I wish that we could give it a go,
See if we could be something.

I wish I was your favorite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.

I wish you couldn't figure me out,
But you always wanted know what I was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.

I wish you had a favorite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
'Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me,
I wish that you needed me,
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.

I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

Look all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen.
And I wish that we could see if we could be something.
Yea I wish that we could see if we could be something