We all have our "Bad Days" but when you have at least 34 "Bad Days" in a row, you know it's not just a fluctuation of luck or happiness. I'm sick of seeing happy couples everywhere i turn, i'm sick of people deciding to tell me how much they love their other halves LIKE I CARE!, i'm sick of valentines day and the fact i don't get to celebrate it, i'm sick of seeing hearts in people's msn names, i'm sick of the soppy "I love my baby boyyy!" facebook statuses, i'm sick of being told to smile (do you even understand how difficult it is for me?!), i'm sick of people saying "I really can't understand why you're single", i'm sick of being told i don't need a guy to make me happy when i know damn well i do, i'm sick of being afraid to cry incase my mum sees and has another go at me, i'm sick of books/films with happy endings and i'm sick of not having my own happy ending when everyone else has one...
So i wrote a poem about it....

I'm giving up; on myself and on trying.
I don't see the point when my heart is dying.
I can't hold back the tears anymore.
I've given up, that's for sure.
I refuse to heal, i refuse to fight.
Cry myself to sleep at night.
I can't escape this mess.
I can't relieve this stress.
So maybe here is where i belong.

I can't smile, i don't have a choice.
I used to sing so loud until I lost my voice.

I wish you could understand the pain i feel.
And that not one of my smiles are real.
What can i say? Im good at faking.
Smiling when inside i'm breaking.
I'm unable to feel, unable to care.
I've passed the point of repair.
I'm lost and can't be saved.
I'm at the point where my life has caved.
So maybe alone is where i belong.

Staring out of the window, wondering where i went wrong.
As the clouds roll by, i wonder why, wonder if i'll ever belong.
I keep my mouth shut, my heart locked and my eyes open wide.
Although it kills me with every step, i'm taking it in my stride.

So go on and slam that door.
Walk away and don't turn around.
Crush me just like you did before.
Lost or incomplete? This is all too confound.

I haven't got the heart or soul in me to care anymore.
So i'll drown my fears in a flood of tears, i need an exit door.
Or maybe just someone who cares, a shoulder to cry on.
Because i can't survive without someone to rely on.

So go on and leave me torn.
Walk away and never regret.
Every rose has it's thorn.
But i refuse to forgive and forget. 

Rules are made to be broken, but are promises too?
Our trust went along with those promises, broken by you.
I'm sorry I can't hear you, I was too busy staring at the floor.
Re-tracing your footprints and the time you walked out of the door.
Since then I've waited for you to come back, but you never will.
You've forgotten to shut that door, it remains open still.

I can't be that girl that you've always wanted me to be.
I could try all I liked but it just wouldn't be me.
I made a promise to myself to always be true.
I wasn't willing to break that promise just for the sake of you.

You've been close to the edge so many times, this time I'll let you fall.
So don't come running back to me, I won't answer that call.
Or maybe I'll be the one to give you that final shove.
You need a reality check if you can call this "love".

The words that were once my world mean nothing now.
Meaningless and empty, I'm past caring somehow.
I gave you everything, you gave me lies in return.
Now I'd take pleasure in watching you burn.
So when you strike that match, I hope you think of me.
The bad times, the worse times and all we would never be.
My tears fuel the fire that i hope will rip you to shreds.
And let our broken promises forever reside in your head.

I thought I'd found heaven, but really you were dragging me to hell.
Kicking and screaming, secretly, I knew it all too well.
You promised that you would never break my heart.
That promise was broke, you tore it apart!
I hope I haunt you as you struggle to sleep.
A constant reminder of the promises that you refused to keep.

I can't trust a single word that exits your mouth anymore.
The lies arrive in a sudden outpour.
So I shall walk this road solo, as we go our separate ways.
Remembering the hot summer nights and those sacred rainy days.
You're not turning back, so why should I?
I've got one thing left to say to you, so here it is;
Goodbye.

Rules are made to be broken, but are promises too?
Our trust went along with those promises, broken by you.
I'm sorry i can't hear you, i was too busy staring at the floor.
Re-tracing your footprints, and the time you walked out of the door.
Since then i've waited for you to come back, but you never will.
You forgot to shut that door, it remains open still.
I can't be that girl that you've always wanted me to be.
I could try all i liked but it just wouldn't be me.
I gave you everything, you gave me lies in return.
Now i'd take pleasure in watching you burn.
So when you strike that match, i hope you think of me.
The bad times, the worse times and all we would never be.
I thought i'd found heaven, but really you were dragging me to hell.
Kicking and screaming, i knew it all too well.
You've been close to the edge so many times, this time i'll let you fall.
So don't come running back to me, i won't answer that call.
Or maybe i'll be the one to give you that final shove.
You need a reality check if you call this "love".
You're not turning back so why should i?
I've got one thing left to say to you, so here it is;
Goodbye.

 

 The end of 2009, the end of me. From this day forward, Sarah is dead. She will be replaced by a new, less caring, shell of her former self.
Im sick...sick of faking the smiles, hiding the tears, putting a fake happy mood on, i can't do it anymore.
So i'm officially giving up,
My new years resolution was to find a nice sensible boyfriend and pass my exams and blah blah, but ive decided against that, theres no way i'm gunna pass when i'm past caring, and as for the boyfriend thing; there's nobody that crazy. And besides, everytime someone comes along, i either chicken out, scare em off, fuck it up or reject em and later regret it :/
I love my friends more than anything ever, but sometimes they annoy me with their soppy lovey-dovey ness and their stupid "I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH BABY!!!!!! <3 foreverrrrrrrrrr! !!!!!!!" facebook statuses and just the fact that theyre happy and i'm alone fucks me off. Like we went to see Cinderella at the civic theater...and i didn't like it because it had a happy ending, even the freaking ugly sisters got someone in the end!!!! 
Wow, i'm one fucked up kid.
That means i'm worse than an ugly sister. Great(!)
I'd seriously give anything to be dead right now :/ at least i wouldnt be hurting like this all the fucking time :'(

Up ahead, the corner will loom
So uncertian, is this my doom?
It's a one way road, no turning back now
Turning my back to this is a mistake somehow...


Have you ever had that really weird OmgIThinkI'veJustMadeAMassiveMistakeByTurningMyBackOnSomethingThatCouldHaveBeenSomething moment?
I certainly have!
Why is it i'm always the last person to realise something, like it dawns on me when it far too late...
Or maybe its a case of me thinking i want something, then realising it was there all along but i let it pass me by...and pushed it away because i thought i'd found it somewhere else...
And the thing is, the Something i've turned my back on totally had the potential to be better than the something i'm heading towards now :/
Why oh why do i throw away lifelines like this?
StupidStupidStupidSARAH!

Today a part of me died
Left me with this void inside
Like a cheese grater to the heart
There's nothing left to be ripped apart

I passed giving a damn about 30 miles back
Left behind the thing i now know i lack
All i want is to be free
But that will never happen to me

Im losing the will to carry on
Anyone gunna miss me? ok then no one
I don't see the point anymore
Where im heading, im not quite sure

I've had a revelation! :O
Its just dawned on me that i have no life whatsoever D:
I mean, i wake up, go to college (usually in one of my moods), get home, eat and sleep and then it begins again!
The highlight of my day is having a bubble bath or, if i haven't got too much work to do, lighting some scented candles and watching a half decent film.
I swear i think im having a mid life crisis a few decades too soon!
I feel as if i'm lacking something, well, missing something :/
As if my life's mundane and pretty much ready to end before its even begun :(
Im just so melancholy all the time. Its killing me slowly.
I think i could get hit by a bus tomorrow and i'd have wasted all my time moping about, what's the point? I don't know what to think anymore :(
I keep wondering will it always be like this? Or maybe it's gunna get worse as time goes on...maybe i'll die alone and depressed with nothing to show for the time i've spent living.
That scares me to the point of tears.

 Heading for a cliff, too late to turn this car crash around,
So ill put my foot on the gas
Smile as im about to hit the ground
And just let the moment pass

Not giving a second thought to yesterday
Nothing worth bring into the present anyway
Worryless about tomorrow
Its not worth being burried in sorrow

Soap powder and cigarette smoke cloud my train of thought
For better or worse, a moment can make such a change 
Scar tissue and emptyness surround my heart
Its being pulled apart, this is so strange

Frosty heart melts away in the winter sun
Leaving no trace of it behind
Is this the end, or have we only just begun?
The answers are too hard to find

Ever feel like you're lagging, being left a mile back?
While their lives are on fast forward, i just wanna watch the clouds
We're the same but different, theres something i lack
We all know what it is, you're screaming it so loud!

Save me from this emptiness, this void
Just grab my hand and pull me out
Why am i so paranoid?
And why can't anyone hear even though i shout?

A line in a song is all i ever was from the start
Taking home nothing but regrets
Tattered and torn, but it's still a heart
Thats one thing i'll never forget

 Things i want to do in the next year:
1) Talk Shakespearian for a whole day
2) Learn Matty to walk lol
4) Get jack to dye his mowhawk pink
5) Survive the 8 hour bus journey to Pat's wedding anniversary holiday thing
6) Start a band, a proper one this time lol
7) Turn my poems to songs
9) Be happy, not numb, happy lol

Ive got rid of some cuz ive done em :O 

Heading for a cliff, too late to turn this car crash around,
So ill put my foot on the gas
Smile as im about to hit the ground
And just let the moment pass

Not giving a second thought to yesterday
Nothing worth bring into the present anyway
Worryless about tomorrow
Its not worth being burried in sorrow

Soap powder and cigarette smoke cloud my train of thought
For better or worse, a moment can make such a change
Scar tissue and emptyness surround my heart
Its being pulled apart, this is so strange

Frosty heart melts away in the winter sun
Leaving no trace of it behind
Is this the end, or have we only just begun?
The answers are too hard to find

A line in a song is all i ever was from the start
Taking home nothing but regrets
Tattered and torn, but it's still a heart
Thats one thing i'll never forget

Heading for a cliff, too late to turn this car crash around,
So ill put my foot on the gas
Smile as im about to hit the ground
And just let the moment pass

Not giving a second thought to yesterday
Nothing worth bring into the present anyway
Worryless about tomorrow
Its not worth being burried in sorrow

Soap powder and cigarette smoke cloud my train of thought
For better or worse, a moment can make such a change
Scar tissue and emptyness surround my heart
Its being pulled apart, this is so strange

Frosty heart melts away in the winter sun
Leaving no trace of it behind
Is this the end, or have we only just begun?
The answers are too hard to find

Heading for a cliff, too late to turn this car crash around,
So ill put my foot on the gas
Smile as im about to hit the ground
And just let the moment pass

Not giving a second thought to yesterday
Nothing worth bring into the present anyway
Worryless about tomorrow
Its not worth being burried in sorrow

Soap powder and cigarette smoke cloud my train of thought
For better or worse, a moment can make such a change
Scar tissue and emptyness surround my heart
Its being pulled apart, this is so strange